I recently heard the classic Mrs. Robinson by Simon and Garfunkel and thought to myself, “What if a goth/death metal band had written the lyrics to the song?” I know, you all have probably thought the same thing! Now, I totally dig the original. It is probably somewhere in my top “x” number of songs. I also totally dig satire. Here is my pass at a line by line rewrite (disclaimer – strong language ensues):

And here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson
Jesus hates you for your blackened soul
(Wo, wo, wo)
God hears your pleas, Mrs. Robinson
And hopes that you repent and start to pray
(Hey, hey, hey…hey, hey, hey)

We’d like to know who tattooed those ankhs upon your thighs
We want to match your vampire dressing style
Eight pounds of makeup, mostly around your eyes
Stroll around the cemetery like it was your home

What the hell’s with you, Mrs. Robinson
Jesus hates you for your blackened soul
(Wo, wo, wo)
God hears your pleas, Mrs. Robinson
And hopes that you repent and start to pray
(Hey, hey, hey…hey, hey, hey)

Hide your angst in that little tiny crazy soul
Lock it up and let it grow
It’s not a secret that you manufactured it
After all, you need to fit in with all the other kids

Won’t fuck with you, Mrs. Robinson
Jesus hates you for your blackened soul
(Wo, wo, wo)
God hears your pleas, Mrs. Robinson
And hopes that you repent and start to pray
(Hey, hey, hey…hey, hey, hey)

Sitting on a coffin on a Sunday afternoon
Going to the gothic swingers rave
Laugh about it, cry about it
When you’ve got to choose
Ev’ry way you look at it, you lose

Where have you gone, my old punk rock songs
These sad ass tunes need a lift from you
(Wo, wo, wo)
And what the fuck, Mrs. Robinson
Give up the goth and trendy emo ways
(Hey, hey, hey…hey, hey, hey)